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Resilience & the Perfect Employee

This is the story of the incredible resilience of a 45 year old woman, struck by a tragedy in the prime of her life.

Why this story?

You may recall that in #ceochronicles article # 20, we asked, ‘What qualities make up a perfect employee?’

We agreed that the four main qualities of a PERRfect employee are –

• Proactivity
• Emotionally Intelligence
• Reliability, and
• RESILIENCE

In the articles that followed, we discussed proactivity, emotional intelligence and reliability, and how we can build these qualities in ourselves.

This story shows us what resilience really is, and how we can make it part of our professional armory.

Loss

She sat in the darkening room. Her eyes were dry. She just had no more tears. As her eyes scanned the room, errant memories surfaced.

He used to sit in that easy chair, enjoying his coffee and newspaper every Sunday morning.

That is the sideboard we bought when our first son was born. How shocked we were when we found out the price!

Today is Saturday; we would have all gone to the temple together.

No more.

That life was no more. He, her husband, was no more. Not even 50, he had left her and their four children bereft. A heart attack, they said. We tried everything, they said. It’s God’s will, they said.

The tumult had died down. His body had been cremated. The countless rituals that various relatives insisted on were done. The house was almost empty, reflecting what she felt.

What was she to do? She had never envisaged this future in her wildest imaginings. In all her visions, he was always there by her side. And now he wasn’t and never would be.

What was she to do?

Recovery

As a matter of habit, she wiped her dry eyes with the pallu of her sari. She took a deep breath.

First, I have to make sure that the children are not impacted in any way, she thought. Shri needs to go back to college at the earliest. Once he immerses himself, he will recover.

Chandra, too. I never know what’s in that boy’s mind, she thought. He must be hurting badly, but doesn’t show it at all.

Her heart seemed to tear apart when she thought of her youngest two. Oh, they are too young to lose their father, her mind cried. 13 and 11! How cruel can life be?

I have to look for the bank passbooks. How much money do we have? Not very much, I think.

When are the college and school fees due? When is the next rent due?

She almost broke down again. He would handle all these issues, she thought. I don’t even know how much the fees are! Shri has another 3 years, and Chandra has another 5 years. How will we manage?

She recalled a snippet of conversation from earlier that week –

“Just come over to Trichy and live with us. We are there for you. We will take care of everything…”

As tempting as that sounded, her back straightened with resolve. I am not going to be a burden on anyone. My children will not be a burden on anyone. Whatever we do, we will do by ourselves.

She stood up, feeling more tired than she had ever before in her life. Strangely, at the same time, she also felt a sense of strength that she did not know existed. She started walking to the cupboard to find the bank papers, her stride becoming firmer with every step.

Response

Seven years had passed.

She sat in the front row, excited and proud to be witnessing her youngest son’s convocation ceremony. Guests were still being ushered in, the hall was alive with chatter.

She also felt a sense of tremendous relief.

Shri has completed his post graduation and is doing so well in the US, she sighed. Chandra is a full fledged doctor. And now, Sesha will start his career as an engineer. Padma is well on her way to completing her BA. What an amazing girl she is – so supportive and caring!

I never thought we would make it, she thought.

As the hall gradually filled up with parents and families, her mind slipped back in time. How did we make it? she asked herself. Her mind scanned the thousands of memories, sliding over them, but not finding anything that stood out.

Probably God’s will, she said to herself, as the first announcement for the graduation ceremony shook her out of her reverie.

My Mother’s Guide To Resilience

No, it was not God’s will.

It was my mother’s will. It was her courage, her patience, her persistence, her belief in herself and in her family and her willingness to work 25 hours a day.

Today, 45 years later, we know how she made it. She started with the first component of resilience, which is

1. Courage

My mother is the most courageous person I have known.

I whine when the smallest of issues befall me. “Oh, my car stereo is not working. Why does this always happen to me?” It’s easy to be a victim, isn’t it?

Even before my father died, my mother soldiered through the most difficult of times, never complaining, never ever allowing any of what she went through to be known to or seen by her children. It was only later on in life that we realised how much we were insulated and protected by her.

My mother is a small woman. And physically rather frail. But in terms of her ability to cope and stand strong, she is a giant.

Many years later, when we asked her how she coped with her husband’s sudden and premature passing, she would say, “What could I do? I did not have the luxury of extended grieving. You were four hungry, growing children. I had to put aside my personal issues and make sure that you had whatever you needed to complete your studies successfully and start living your independent lives. That was what drove my every thought, my every action.”

My mother doesn’t use words like courage. She lives them.

“Courage is not the absence of fear. It is overcoming fear, knowing that you have to achieve a goal regardless.”

The next quality that comprises resilience is

2. Patience

My mother understands the value of patience.

When we were young, and desperately wanted something, she would say, “Be patient, there is a time and place for everything.”

When she was going through her darkest hours, she realised that she had to play the long game. Yes, everything seemed dire and disastrous, but that was now. There was always tomorrow. And the day after tomorrow. And the day after that. She had to get through each day, step by difficult step, patiently doing what needed to be done, so that tomorrow was better.

My mother pawned her jewelry to put her children through college, her heart breaking as she did so, but hoping and believing that she would one day, get it all back. One day, she did.

She fought a court battle to evict recalcitrant tenants for over 7 years, finally getting possession of the house her husband and she had built with their toil and tears.

She still has this amazing quality of ‘calm’; the ability to remain unflurried even in a maelstrom.

“In battling the challenges of life, the two most powerful weapons are patience and time.”

A third component of resilience that my mother taught us by example is

3. Persistence

My mother doesn’t know when to quit.

She never, never gives up.

We, her children, were not the obedient, amenable examples that parents dream of, before they have children. We were headstrong, opinionated, argumentative and disobedient.

She recognised that arguing was futile. So she waited us out. We went through teenage rebellion. She was there for us and gave us her advice when we asked. We went through adolescent angst. She waited, and gave us her shoulder to cry one. We went through crests and troughs, seeking ourselves. She fed us and listened to us and suggested that we look at things differently.

In time, one by one, we fell in line. We recognised the value of the values she wanted us to live by. We understood what was right. Her teachings, previously seeds on arid soil, took root and bloomed.

My mother always played the long game. She never gives up.

When we were young, my mother told us about a small stream encountering a large rock.

“The stream finally cut its way through the rock,” she said, “not because of how powerful it was, but because of how persistent it was.”

Yet another quality that supported my mother’s resilience was

4. Belief

My mother believes. In herself, in God, in her family, in people. She believes that good will prevail. That all will be well in the end.

She was fortunate to have wonderful, supportive parents and loving siblings. She knew she could count on them, even if she never leaned on them.

My mother was fortunate to have the help of people who came forward to advise and guide her in sorting out the administrative mess than any intestate death brings.

She was lucky to have a few close friends whom she could speak to, confide in and pour her heart out complaining about her headstrong, disobedient children.

She has immense faith in the Almighty. This faith carries her across arid deserts and stormy waves.

Her belief sustained her through the worst of times; it calmed her in the best of times.

I remember reading a quote and immediately thinking of my mother –

“The sky is not the limit. Your belief-system is.”

The final quality that defines resilience (and my mother) is

5. Hard work

My mother worked 16 hours every day. Seven days a week.

She arose at 4:00 AM and slept at 10:00 PM. (I think she still does!)

My mother hates depending on anyone else. She hates taking shortcuts. She believes in the joy and satisfaction of doing something herself and doing it well.

My mother always believed and still believes that our actions define our intent. Work, she believes, is worship.

When I was 9 and was crying about something I wanted and did not have, she said,

“You get what you work for, not what you wish for”

The Power of Resilience

My mother taught me the 5 qualities that comprise resilience.

1. Courage
2. Patience
3. Persistence
4. Belief
5. Hard work

Not rocket science. (Though she also taught me physics when I was young). Simple, timeless qualities.

I hope her lessons will serve you well, as they did me.

****

Would you like to name and thank the people in your life who taught you to be resilient? It would be great to celebrate our gurus and mentors!

Cheers | Shesh | Singapore | 14 April 2020.

Post Script :

1. For other interesting CEO Chronicles click here.
2. Follow me so that you don’t miss the next issue of CEO Chronicles.

#ceochronicles #careeradvice #careers #bestadvice #hiringandpromotion #personaldevelopment #success #leadership

Resilience

This week, I was to write about the fourth weapon in the PERRfect Employee’s arsenal – Resilience.

However, we are in a dire situation where the whole world needs resilience. Countries, communities, companies, individuals across the globe are in the thrall of a pandemic. Borders are being shut down, jobs are being lost, subsistence is at risk, fever is raging and the bodies are piling. How do we cope?

So, rather than write about the components of resilience or the professional’s path to resilience, I am sharing two touching stories about people who have gone through their darkest times and found their way out into light.

These stories are extracts from www.optionb.org, a platform that helps people build resilience and find meaning in the face of adversity.

My Husband Murdered His Father!

That moment that everything changes. For me, that was July 17, 1989. Sitting in a police interrogation room, my world crashed down as I listened to two detectives tell me that my husband had coordinated and carried out the murder of his father.

At the time, I was newly married and seven months pregnant. When I learnt that the man I had loved and planned a family with could do such a horrible thing, it buried my head, my heart, and my hope for the future in darkness.

As much as I wanted to move forward and back into the light, reminders of that day were inescapable for the next several years. Newspaper headlines and evening news stories about my husband’s case were a regular occurrence. My hometown community whispered. Friends walked away. His trial and sentencing to twenty-two years to life brought even more press coverage and chatter.

But in that time of darkness, my beautiful child was born. My desire to move forward turned into a need to move forward. The need begat a will to move forward. And I began to see that I had options for my life, and my daughter’s life, other than those that were crushed. I would find another option, and it would be good.

Finding Option B

This was not easy. It required me to step out of complacency and into action. As I navigated my divorce, I had to use my voice in a new and assertive way, something that I was not used to. Being burdened by all of the financial obligations of my ex-husband’s debts tested my negotiation skills. I faced and dealt with the emotional fallout of fear, betrayal and anxiety. For the first time, I was truly choosing to happen to life, rather than letting life happen to me. I was choosing resiliency.

There were moments when I had to simply rely on a will-do attitude, rather than a can-do attitude. At times, I wanted to sink back under what felt like the weight of the world. But as I took accountability and responsibility for shaping my future, and that of my daughter, I decided that my life would be a life of victory, not of being a victim of someone else’s actions and the judgment and darkness they brought.

In the years since, I have found a healthy and loving relationship. I have raised three daughters to be strong, independent women. At the age of thirty-five, I returned to college and earned my degree on the same day that my oldest daughter earned hers. I have traveled the world.

Along the journey, life has tested my resilience time and again. Emotions, questions, anger, confusion, and hurt didn’t just disappear when I chose something different for our lives. But as issues arise, I feel, address, and work through them. I learn from them.

You see, I did not just move forward to exist. I bounced forward and am living.

Suddenly, The World Went Dark

A week after New Year’s Day, Gabby Giffords was shot. The year of 2011, which had started so inspired, had turned into a tragedy..

Gabby loved New Year’s. To her, starting afresh has significant meaning. Before she was shot, Gabby was one of those dedicated New Year’s resolution-makers – she always had a list of 10 things she wanted to achieve, whether reading more books or finally taking lessons in the French horn, the instrument she played in college. She always prompted her husband to make his own resolution, because he never would without her encouragement. But that year, and every year since, she’s had one resolution: to keep fighting through her recovery.

Gabby was shot by a zealot, who also killed and injured eighteen other people in his shooting spree. In one instant, her life and those of her family changed.

Gabby was shot point blank in the head. She was not expected to live. But she did. She survived and after two harrowing weeks in the hospital, began the long road to recovery.

Gabby suffered from severe aphasia, a result of her traumatic brain injury, which made speaking difficult. She was paralyzed in her right arm and right leg, so she had difficulty moving around. Gabby lost 50% of her vision in both eyes. These struggles remain to this day.

An Uphill Journey

On 1^st August, 2011, eight months after she was shot, Gabby made her first public appearance on the House floor to vote in favor of raising the debt limit ceiling. She was met with a standing ovation and accolades from her fellow members of Congress.

On 22^nd January, 2012, Gabby announced that she would resign from her congressional seat in order to concentrate on her recovery, but promised to return to public service in the future.

Over the past years, Gabby has gone through intensive rehabilitation treatments. Her surgeon noted that Gabby’s recovery was long, arduous and tiring, and expressed amazement at her progress.

Even through all the pain and trauma, Gabby opened her heart and home to everyone who wanted to talk to her. She refuses to give up, and stills sees the world in a positive light. Gabby runs a political action committee “Giffords: Courage to Fight Gun Violence.” She is still a vital politician and activist, active on Twitter and working passionately to give voice to millions of regular Americans who desire gun control and safety.

It’s coming on nine years now. And in that time, Gabby and her husband Mark have learned a lot.

“You may find that after times of tragedy or struggle, your cherished traditions change,” says Mark. “Some may disappear. Others may just need to wait, for now. But if you leave yourself open to them, new ones will appear – and you’ll find causes for celebration and types of resolve that you may not have otherwise imagined…”

The Power of Resilience

As we see from the above stories, resilience is the hard fought ability to bounce back from tough situations. Resilience is about NOT becoming a victim of helplessness and angst.

So often, we go through such horrible situations that it seems impossible to come out strong on the other end. But resilience allows us to just this. Once we learn to take control of our lives, prepare for the unexpected, reinforce our mental, spiritual and physical selves, we will find ourselves living happier, more purpose-filled lives. We will also learn to handle adversity with calm and deliberation.

Increasing our resilience is about willpower, about deliberate action, about being adaptable, about self esteem.

We will discuss these aspects of resilience in the next article.

Till then, let us all be healthy, safe and positive. Let us try and help those around us whose ability to cope is less than ours. To find ways to be proactive and empathetic with our families, friends, neighbours and community members. Let us be products of our actions, not of our circumstances.

This pandemic, too, will pass. We will be strong again.

****

Cheers | Shesh | Singapore | 31 March 2020.

Post Script :

1. For other interesting CEO Chronicles click here.
2. Follow me so that you don’t miss the next issue of CEO Chronicles.

Credits :

1. Article # 1 : Angie Mozilo, June 2017, optionb.org
2. Article # 2 : Gabby Giffords & Mark Kelly, November 2017, otionb.org

#ceochronicles #careeradvice #careers #bestadvice #hiringandpromotion #personaldevelopment #success #leadership #purpose

Blowing in the wind

I looked down at the envelope in my hand. It seemed too thin to be good news. I did not want to open it. If it was what I thought it was, this would be the 7^th such rejection.

Nevertheless, I girded myself and opened it, hoping that I was wrong.

Sadly, this was one of the few times in my life I was right.

“…we regret to inform you that your candidature was not successful. We wish you all the best…”

I crumpled the letter. This was a company I really liked – it would have been a dream job.

What the hell was I doing wrong?

I was doing everything the experts told me to do.

“Do your research,” they said.

“Create an amazing cv and cover letter,” they advised.

“Prove that you are versatile,” they recommended.

“Prepare for your interview diligently,” they instructed.

“Ensure that you follow-up,” they prescribed.

I followed all these ‘best practices’ even though I realized that 8 million other eager professionals were also doing exactly the same. The fact is that we were reading from the same playbook, and listening to the same ‘experts’. I was just another leaf in the Amazon rainforest.

How would I be seen? And noticed? And thought worthy of being offered a job?

What made me special? Why should a company choose me over someone equal in most if not all respects?

Lost and clueless, I did what I always did best – went to my mentor to ask for his advice.

Is it me you’re looking for?

“Okay, Shesh,” he said, after he had listened patiently to me pouring my woes. “Let me ask a hypothetical question.”

“Let us say that you were the captain of a basket ball team. One of your players leaves. You have to replace him. How would you do this most efficiently?”

“Well…” I racked my brains. “Well, yes, I would either look at good players from other teams that we have played, or I would ask my team players or the coach to recommend candidates they feel would be a good fit.”

“Very good,” he said, “and if you were the president of a prestigious social club, and wanted to add new members, would it be more efficient to put out an ad or ask your current members to recommend friends?”

“Of course I would ask the current members!” I said, without hesitation.

“Why did you respond the way you did?” he asked.

“Well, a player whose capability is known is a much better option than an unknown one. And a friend of an existing club member is more likely to fit in to the club much better. Isn’t this obvious?” I said, puzzled that he even had to ask this question.

“Very true,” he said. “Then why do you believe that organisations think any differently?”

“What?”

“Organisations are just like teams or clubs,” he said, smiling a little at my gawkish response. “They want the best fit, the best candidate, the employee who can add most value. However robust or structured their hiring process may be, wouldn’t they be more comfortable with a known quantity rather than have to test an unknown one?”

It’s not what you know; it’s who knows you

“You mean…” I started hesitantly, “You mean companies hire only through referrals and recommendations?”

“I am saying that if they have a choice, they will surely do so,” he said. “Wouldn’t you?”

I looked at him, my mind racing. Various instances ran through my head. My tennis partners; our quiz group; the intern we had just hired.

“Wow!” I exclaimed, “You are absolutely right. Almost every social and sports group I am part of is a result of recommendations and networks!”

“Our whole life is a result of networks,” he said calmly, “your parents’ choice of your school; the college you decided on; the friends you have; the woman you married; the day-care centre your son goes to. Almost every decision we take, we take after consulting people we trust, finding recommendations from forums we find credible.”

“However,” he added, “it is puzzling that when it comes to our careers, we believe we can find our dream job by shooting off applications by the dozen, and attending cold-call interviews. Companies are run by people, you know, and people behave the same outside them and in them.”

“So, finding your dream job is less about research or cvs or cover letters or interviews. Oh, all these play a part. But, it is more about you, your achievements, how well you are known, who knows you, and their perception of you. Does this make sense?”

Network = Net Worth?

It made sense. It made a whole lot of sense. Just because a company is run with policies and processes, that does not mean that people change the way they were conditioned to behave.

“So, what you are saying is that,” I said tentatively, “without a strong network, I have no hope of finding the job I want?”

“No,” he said, a little impatiently, “I am saying that with a wide network, with a reputation that precedes you, you can ensure that you get the dream job you want.”

“If you are a good basketball player, but no one knows of you, why will anyone choose you for their team?” he continued, “If you are a successful and likeable person, but are unknown to the social club, why will they believe you are a suitable member?”

“Remember,” he said,

“A network is like a stage. Without one, you are part of the passive audience in the dark, unknown and unseen. With one, you are in the spotlight, and you are visible to the world.”

As I walked home, I replayed the conversation in my mind. It seemed so obvious now. The 4 takeaways I left with were not just for me, but valid for anyone seeking their dream job..

1. People prefer to hire and work with those they know and trust.
2. A wide network helps us become known and builds a positive perception.
3. This will make it easier for people to find us and hire us.
4. We still have to go through the hiring process, but we will start with an solid advantage.

What’s Your Story?

Do you recall Robert Kiyosaki’s advice from CEO Chronicles # 14?

“The most successful people in the world look for networks; everyone else looks for work.”

What did you do to ensure your dream job? How did you differentiate yourself? Please share your inspiring story in the comments, it will surely serve as a guide to all those seeking their own!!

I hope you have enjoyed reading this installment of CEO Chronicles. If you want to ‘build your own stage, and shine in the spotlight’, send me a message or write to me.

Cheers,

Shesh.

(Singapore / 03 December 2019)

Post Script :

1. For other interesting CEO Chronicles click here.
2. Follow me so that you don’t miss the next issue of CEO Chronicles.

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