CEO Chronicles # 23 : The 8-Fold Path to EQ March 3rd, 2020
A lesson from a cockroach
In #ceochronicles article 22, we began our discussion on Emotional Intelligence (and Emotional Quotient or EQ). We met Peter and Paul and saw how differently they reacted to the same situation. We discussed the definition of Emotional Intelligence (EI) and how this quality can change our lives for the better.
While I was reading about EI and EQ, I came across this brilliant extract from a speech by Mr. Sundar Pichai, CEO of Google, which I thought you would love!
To Scream or Not To Scream?
At a restaurant, a cockroach suddenly flew from somewhere and sat on a lady.
She started screaming out of fear.
With a panic stricken face and trembling voice, she started jumping, with both her hands desperately trying to get rid of the cockroach.
Her reaction was contagious, as everyone in her group also got panicky.
The lady finally managed to push the cockroach away but …it landed on another lady in the group.
Now, it was the turn of the other lady in the group to continue the drama.
A waiter, hearing the commotion, rushed forward.
In the relay of throwing, the cockroach next fell upon the waiter.
The waiter stood firm, composed himself and observed the behavior of the cockroach on his shirt.
When he was confident enough, he grabbed it with his fingers, walked to the door and threw it out of the restaurant.
Sipping my coffee and watching the amusement, the antenna of my mind picked up a few thoughts and started wondering, was the cockroach responsible for their histrionic behavior?
If so, then why was the waiter not disturbed?
He handled it near to perfection, without any chaos.
It is not the cockroach, but the inability of the ladies to handle the presence of the cockroach that disturbed the ladies.
I realized that, it is not the shouting of my father or my boss or my wife that disturbs me, but it’s my inability to handle the disturbances caused by their shouting that disturbs me.
It’s not the traffic jams on the road that disturbs me, but my inability to handle the disturbance caused by the traffic jam that disturbs me.
More than the problem, it’s my reaction to the problem that creates chaos in my life.
The Cockroach Theory
I understood that I should not react in life.
That I should always respond.
The women reacted, whereas the waiter responded.
Reactions are always instinctive, whereas responses are always well thought of, just and right to save a situation from going out of hand, to avoid cracks in relationship, to avoid taking decisions in anger, anxiety, stress or hurry.
How does Emotional Intelligence help?
Just as Peter’s EQ helped him keep calm and thoughtful, so did the waiter’s. Both of them rose above the situations they were in and took actions that benefited not just themselves but everyone around them.
Emotionally intelligent employees are dependable and reliable.
They look at the whole picture and act with thought and planning.
Such employees understand not just their own needs, but the needs and requirements of others around them.
They recognise that ‘no man is an island’ and put their team or community ahead of themselves.
By doing all this, they build an amazing reputation. People respect them. Organisations recognise them as leaders. People look to them in times of crisis.
Having a high EQ sets you apart and puts you ahead.
How do I become Emotionally Intelligent?
The 8 steps to becoming Emotionally Intelligent are :
1. Understanding your emotions and tapping into them
We rarely try and understand our emotions. Most often, we ignore them or suppress them. But when we ignore our feelings, we are overlooking an important and integral part of ourselves. Our emotions have a huge effect on our mindsets and behaviours.
We need to start understanding our feelings and connecting them to our experiences.
For example, when we are at work and we hear that a colleague has bad-mouthed us. What emotions arise when this happens? Or, when we are praised for completing a project on time. What exactly do we feel? Naming our emotions – sadness, embarrassment, joy, contentment, etc., will help us understand how we react to different situations and stimuli, and help us understand ourselves better.
2. Seeing the links between your emotions and your behaviour
The next step is to understand the impact of emotion on our behaviour. How do we react when we feel a particular emotion?
Do we withdraw when we are embarrassed? Or do we become belligerent?
Do we raise our voices when we are angry, or do we walk away to be alone?
Do we cry when we feel hurt or do we try and take it out on someone else?
The more we understand what emotion causes which behavioral impulse, the better we will be able to actually control and change our behaviour to our advantage.
3. Accepting yourself
Often, we don’t like our emotions. As often, we don’t like ourselves when we are emotional.
All our emotions are valid, even the negative ones. Every emotion we have is a new piece of useful information connected to something that’s happening around us. Without this information, we will not know how to adequately respond to different situations – we will only react.
I have personally found it very difficult rationally evaluating and accepting my emotions. For many years, I have practiced letting negative emotions surface and connecting them to what is happening around and to me. By doing so, I have learnt my ‘hot buttons’ and ‘triggers’. Today, I am better equipped to know what emotion triggers which reaction in me, and to consciously try and plan my response.
4. Planning your behaviour
We cannot control the emotions we feel, but we can decide how we respond to them. If I have an issue with lashing out in anger or shutting down when I am hurt, and I know this, I can start planning how I should behave differently. The next time I am angry, I recognise this and I say to myself – from past experience I have learnt that lashing out only makes things worse; let me take a walk for a few minutes and calm down and then come back and respond with a cooler mind.
By understanding our emotions and our past behaviour patterns, instead of letting our emotions overwhelm us, we can decide how we will behave.
So when something negative happens in our life, let us take a moment to feel our emotions. Once the initial wave has passed, let us make a conscious decision to communicate our feelings in a calm manner, rather than lashing out or walking out.
5. Knowing what you want and why you want it
Much of the time, our reactions are an outcome of ignorance. Often, when we are faced with situations or events, we don’t know what we want the outcome to be. This is because we don’t know what we want and why.
When I was younger, I would get enraged when people did not listen to my ideas. This would lead to my becoming increasingly aggressive, which would then push people even further away.
After years of introspection, I realised that one of my innermost needs was to be seen as innovative. I realised that when people did not heed my ideas, I felt rejected. Gradually, I realised that this was not their fault, but mine. Over time, I modified the intensity of this craving. As this happened, I realised that when I began placing my ideas on the table without desperation or aggression, they had a much better chance of being accepted.
The more we understand our needs and desires, the better we are able to manage the way we communicate and respond.
6. Learning to open your mind
Being open to ideas and inputs is a critical aspect of EQ. When our minds are open through understanding and internal reflection, we find it easier to deal with conflicts in a calm and self-assured manner.
Often, even today, I find myself believing that there is only one ‘right’ way to do certain things. The moment I believe this, I have narrowed my mind. I find myself rejecting any new inputs or ideas, and getting angry and frustrated when others don’t accept ‘my way’.
Every time this has happened, it has led to unhappy outcomes. By keeping our minds open, we find ourselves more socially aware and open to new possibilities. We are more receptive and understand others better, leading to better and more agreeable outcomes.
7. Understanding others and recognising how they feel
An important aspect of EQ is to be able to recognize how other people are feeling. To do this, we need to ‘listen actively’, really paying attention to what people are saying, to their body language, to their microexpressions. The more we understand their feelings, their reactions and their mindsets, the better our interactions and communication with them.
To improve our empathy, we need to put ourselves in other people’s shoes. We need to think about how we would feel if we were in their situation. We need to imagine how it must be to go through the experiences they are encountering and what might alleviate some of their hardship in terms of support and care.
Empathy allows us to be truly interested in what people are saying, so that we can respond in a sensitive and helpful way, thus adding value to them in their time of need.
8. Measuring the impact of your behaviour on others
And finally, we need to understand our effect on the people around us. Do we make people happy? Or do we make them nervous? Are we inclusive? Or do we exclude?
We need to identify these patterns. Do I tend to pick fights with my loved ones? Do people tend to close up a bit when I am around? If so, I need to change my attitude, approach and behaviour so that I can have a better emotional effect on people.
I try and ask my family and trusted friends what they think about my impact on them and their feelings. I ask them to tell me the areas I need to improve in. (This list is long and is a work in progress!) By doing so, I am able to gradually improve the impact of my behaviour on their lives.
The Eight-Fold Path…
Being Emotionally Intelligent is more than about doing well in your career.
Having a high EQ makes you more positive, more accessible, more likeable and more reliable.
I hope you are able to use these eight steps to find your path to a life full of contentment and satisfaction and inner peace.
****
If you believe your EQ stands apart, pat yourself on the back, click like and comment, “YES!”. If you do not believe so, let’s start our journey together today.
Cheers | Shesh | Singapore | 03 March 2020.
Post Script :
- For other interesting CEO Chronicles click here.
- Follow me so that you don’t miss the next issue of CEO Chronicles.
#ceochronicles #careeradvice #careers #bestadvice #hiringandpromotion #personaldevelopment #success #leadership EQ EQ EQ
